The Year

From ups and downs, learnings and milestones, and everything in between, 2022 is ending with major reflection, and new aspirations for years to come...

Wow, what a year indeed. Married, new job and scratching experiences and places off the bucket list. But when I look back on certain things, it's clear that where I am now is much better than where I was near the beginning of the year. It takes months to come to such a realization when you're in the thick of your day to day, but once you face the change, that's when you can actually compare both sides. I had a hard time getting over being let go from my job this year, and it will always be one of the most shocking stories I can tell.

But all the good that has come since, definitely out-weighs the negaitve, as it should. 

So how do I sum up such an action-packed year? How do we focus on the good while remembering it may have never happened if it wasn't for something bad? Well that's usually where the realizations occur. So let's start there... 

1. Friends you make at work might need to know you still need them.

I have a bunch of friends, if not, most of my friends over the years who I met from different workplaces. Obviously, since I was at my last company for over 3 years, I made a lot of friends while I was there. Some close friends, some close acquaintances. But once you don't necessarily have every hour between 9-5 in common with them, you have to let them know that this isn't just a water-cooler friendship. Did I say it just like that? No. But I'd make plans with them, let them know when I would be in their area if they're able to catch up. Why is it important for you the person who either just got let go from work or you found a new opportunity you couldn't pass up? Well, think about it from the other angle; if you worked together, either on the same team or collaboratively and all of a sudden they get an email or a message saying "Did you know Myriam no longer works here?" that can be a shock for them as well, and often at times, they think of the interactions they've had with you. Was it something they said? Do they delegate too much work to you? Were you unhappy working with them? All of these feelings are normal for them and it results in an extra amount of hesitancy to reach out and ensure all is ok. 

In my case, it was clear who I was still close with so it wasn't a huge issue but it did become more obivous about having to make the effort. It sounds like a chore, but it's not, it's just about keeping in contact since you're no longer a slack away, or share 4 of the same meetings per week. I also don't want this to seem as easy as it sounds. I had a melt-down not long ago, watching the season finale of Firefly Lane because Tully and Kate are so upset with each other it seems like they hit the final straw. And not only that, but their lives become so different that it gets harder and harder to stay in touch and see each other. That's something that I've learned comes with growing up like people moving to different suburbs, but in similar circumstances, if they mean a lot to you, you try and make it work. 9 times out of 10, they feel the exact same way as you, they want to see you, they want to catch up, but sometimes life gets in the way. Just a message, or the thought that you are thinking of them, goes a long way.

 2. Good things come to those who wait.

Sounds inevidable, but I'm usually an extremely impatient person. The process of job hunting was so different this time around compared to the last time I was unemployed, which was four years ago. I had some interesting experiences to say the least regarding interviews. In my previous job I had done more interviews than I can count, and I had a particular casual style to them. One of the people we ended up hiring emailed me after the interview and thanked me for being so welcoming and casual since he usually gets quite nervous on interviews. So just digest that for a second, and also regarding my expectations going into interviews now that I was on the other side. I was interviewing for a company that is fairly well known within Toronto, and a few of my former colleagues worked there. It would have been a really exciting role and experience, so I was excited, and they were high on my list of desired companies. I had applied to a few jobs, but initially was contacted regarding a different role. I wasn't upset, I went through with the phone screen anyway, so I booked time to speak with HR. We ended up having to reschedule multiple times, she also said that the role she contacted me about (which was different to the one I applied to) was filled but there would be another role opening up that she thought I would be a great fit for. So we finally do a phone screen, and it was fairly positive, she said the next step would be to meet with the hiring manager. She was 20 minutes late to the scheduled time. We hop on a call for ten minutes or so once she frees up and she asks if I would like to do an exercise to showcase my skillset, I said sure. 

The next day, or maybe two days later, I get an automated email saying Thanks for applying but we have decided to move forward with other candidates. I actually thought it was a mistake when I read it, did they send it to the wrong person? Did they know that the hiring manager wanted to move me into the exercise stage? All that being said, this was going on while simeltaneously speaking with my current company, which also took about a month. But hey, at least they stayed on top of their emails and offers.

3.  Never apologize for how you feel.

Okay the big one. 

The one that took me forever to really, fully, comprehend this year.

Because sometimes it felt like, everytime I shared my opinion it went unheard. Everytime I had "strong feelings" about something it was perceieved as unwillingness to change. Everytime I felt excited and motivated about an idea or project, it either got kiboshed or delegated. Which, at first, I would brush off, I would listen and understand the reasoning behind how I may seem to others with alternate opinions. But after this process repeating a few times, something eventually clicked in my head. I felt like I was being bullied. But not like, grade school playground bullying pointing and laughing. Gaslighting. I had to google it. I had to ask my husband if he thought I was being crazy. No, this is just exactly how being gaslit makes you feel. Like you're in the wrong. Like you're the one who has let down your peers. Like you're the one with "development issues" and things that you need to change or work on. Well, as I alluded to in a previous post, I eventually got HR involved. What I didn't mention in that post, is that right before being let go I wrote a long, incredibly honest and truthful email. It consistented of screenshots of how my manager was speaking to me, and how I felt completely disrespected. It mentioned how I continued to disagree with the actions and demeanour of my manager and that it was constantly impacting my work in a negative way, causing unnecessary stress and that I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Now, did I ever regret writing that email? At first yes, because I thought it was what cost me my job.

But looking back on it, I'm happy I did. I'm happy that even if it meant sacrificing my job, it highlighted the behaviours that my boss was doing to me, and it could potentially diffuse future similar situations. But more importantly, I stood up for myself, and my emotions. I wasn't apologetic, I was certain. And in the end, I deserved better. So when it came time to negotiate a severance versus considering to take legal action, as much as gaslighting isn't yet something you can easily take to court, (going to court over anything isn't easy) I made sure I was compensated for all the stress, bullying, and unfairness that went into their (read; her) decision.

So to sumamrize; never apologize for the way you feel, but of course, actions speak louder than words. If you think you may have done something, or said something that hurt someone else's feelings, that's different. I encourage if you haven't read the article or others on gaslighting to be familiar with the signs and don't be scared to stand up for yourself, if you feel like you're being mistreated at work or in your personal relationships.

It's been a wild year, but we grow and learn from every single experience. Stay optimistic, stay curious and  try to be patient, are the words to sum up this somewhat heavy piece. Here's to new experiences in the new year, that will spark even more growth and reflection.

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